The shutdown aka Frankie (part 1)

If I had been the type to commit suicide, I probably would have killed myself AT SOME POINT during my shutdown.
Frankie (this is what I named my shutdown) was the worst experience of my entire life. I know that many other people are going through this same thing and have GONE through this same thing... And they're never the same again. I understand why - I will never be the same as I once was. I know that the Frankie lasted a really long time and that, naturally, over a period of two years people generally change at least a little. The changes I went through were not your typical changes.
(I also wanted to take this time to tell you that the Frankie was caused because I had been really stressed out for years, then I was supposed to graduate in December of '05. I had a best friend, who was a guy, and at some point, amidst all of the stress and anxiety that I already had, I began to confuse my feelings of complete and utter FRIENDSHIP and love for him as something that it wasn't. I also then, began to date him. And then I seemingly "went crazy." I threw up all the time, I was always anxious, always stressed out, I couldn't handle anything. I can remember doubting whether or not I should actually sign up for classes that fall. I used to wish that I hadn't signed up, but if all that hadn't happened, I wouldn't be as knowledgeable as I am today.)
The after-effects of the Frankie were:

I had OCD thoughts that I did not want to have and that I had literally NEVER had before. (When I would drive, I would sometimes imagine myself careening off a bridge or sometimes, I would imagine that *I* was running over *my* hands while driving. That sounds way more insane to me right now than it did when it was happening.)

A lack of eye contact. (Specifically, well, it took several months for it to occur to me that I needed to look someone in the eye when talking to them. Then, when I tried doing that, I wondered how long I was supposed to look and even then, I couldn't make eye contact for very long because it REALLY creeped me out for some reason. I don't understand this AT ALL, but it made me very very uneasy to look *anyone* in the eye. Sometimes I still have to force myself. -- But the diet, as long as there are no hidden culprits, works very well if you wish to make eye contact for whatever the appropriate amount of time is.)

Stress. social stress. I have honestly never in my life wondered about so many different social things. I didn't even realize all these things existed and that most of these things "come naturally" to neuro-typical ("""normal""") people.

extreme ADD

poor coordination

I lost many abilities that I had prior. They are slowly returning. I understand that I didn't do these things for a long time, but it was like I forgot how to do EVERYTHING.

My memory seemed to not be very good after the shutdown, but it has improved with time and possibly even the diet has helped it.

My sense of sarcasm left me completely. (I began understanding sarcasm in the 7th grade, I kind of think that was the product of some type of shutdown of SOME sort.)

Oh yes, I also wanted to let you know that the shutdown that I encountered was a full shutdown. Here is some information on shutdowns. This is the best information I have found about shutdowns and the description for a "full shutdown" accurately describes what I experienced.

Stress and guilt caused me to "shutdown" and then I didn't know what was going on, so I kept pushing myself to go out and socialize. This was not a good thing to do. I did so many insane things and at least ONE really dangerous thing. I came out alright, but it was still a dangerous thing to do. I was very vulnerable and I could not see what someone's true intentions were until I was going over it in my head over and over again much later.

this is a work in progress. i will add more to this later.